Take me out to the ballgame

I’m helping coach t-ball. I’ll let that set in for a minute.

I couldn’t help until my work travel was done, but I  was free to start just in time for opening ceremonies and the first game.

Jump right in the deep end, right?

Opening ceremonies were pretty cute and the kids even took their caps off for the Star Spangled Banner to look at a flag. Granted, they didn’t all look at the same flag, but there are 2 so I can see their confusion.

After the game, the other coaches and I were walking across the field after high-fiving the players and coaches. The head coach was saying he thought the first game went decently well…and how a couple of times it looked like real baseball!

“Coach J, there weren’t any tears, concussions and everyone ran to first base instead of third. I call today a success,” I said.

The other coaches looked at me, chuckled, and agreed.

After a long time corralling cats – er, working with small children – maybe my expectations of success are lower than others, but the kids had fun and there wasn’t any blood, vomit, or tears. They’re 4-6 years old. Seems good to me!

A quick word on kindness…

There have been moments where I’ve been struggling with something and someone was kind.

People have offered a kind word or two when it seemed everyone else was telling me how terrible I was.

A stranger rushed to hold the door for me when I had bags, an umbrella and was fumbling with my keys.

A little boy shouted, “Miss! You dropped your money.” across a parking lot when it was literally everything I had until payday.

Little angels have been put in my path to bring me moments of calm, warmth, or a second to breathe.

Words of encouragement from friends and family, acknowledgment of a job well done from my boss, a shared laugh about a ridiculous situation, a smile, or any of the thousands of moments people have sprinkled some kindness into my life.

I aspire to be that person who offers a kind word or hand to whoever my gut says might need it. Or basically whoever I run across because we all need it sometimes. I don’t think about how it will come back to me and almost never tell anyone about the things I’ve done because that’s now why I do it.

I do it because it’s the right thing to do, to take a moment to offer a smile, say a kind word or two, or help. To choose to offer kindness again and again.

I’d like to thank the Universe for the kind people who were put in my path this past week, the ones who chose to be kind. It wasn’t a hard week, but it was heart warming to know there are others out there who are kind when they don’t have to be.

Thank you for the reminder, Universe. And thank you to the kind people. May your kindness be returned to you in spades.

on endings and goodbye

This post was over a year in the making…

The morning Frank left for Atlanta, I asked him if or how we were supposed to say goodbye.  I was getting ready to leave for work and while we hadn’t really talked in a few weeks, it felt weird to not at least acknowledge that it would almost certainly be the last time we saw each other.

At that point, while there was still hurt, I don’t think there was any ill will. We both wanted to attempt to remain friendly if not friends through at least the sale of the house.

That moment had been in the making for a long time, our marriage had irreparably fallen apart a year or more earlier and while it took me awhile to see it, and him a bit longer, we both knew it was for the best.

The hows and the whys? They don’t really matter anymore, they were what they were. I think we’ve both learned from what did and didn’t happen. We were happy, then we weren’t. Now we are finding our new path to happy, it just doesn’t happen to have each other.

In the end, we fulfilled our ultimate promise to each other – to do what we could to make one another happy.

 

on how we face deployments

Dark bars are our favorite photo backdrops

My brother is off for his fourth deployment. I texted his wife this morning, “I don’t want to say it gets easier each time, but in some ways it does.”

It helps that (for now) he’s in a relatively safe place. However, given the current world political climate, I’m under no delusion they wouldn’t hesitate to send him elsewhere if needed.

We deal with that if it happens. Not until then. Right now we deal with everything day by day.

It’s not what I’d choose for him, but I fully support his choice to do what he knows, loves in his own way, and is really good at. He’s my best friend and little brother. If I got to choose? I’d wrap him in bubble wrap, rainbows, and kindness.

For those who have met him, you can guess about how well that would go over.

We don’t get to choose other’s paths though. What we do get to do is whatever it is we need to do to get through and keep it together state side. Also, by us keeping it together, it’s one less thing for him to worry about.

I can’t tell you how many people have asked “How do you keep it together? I’d be freaking out/a basket case.” I don’t have an answer for that other than, “We just do.”

Until we don’t. Then we lose it in a big way, take a deep breath and get ourselves back together. Hopefully, before he finds out!

The reality is that denial and distraction work wonders. Bully Hill profits will be good for the next few quarters if you want to get stock now. (I’m only partially kidding.)

This is the fourth time we’ve faced this. The first time I learned to crochet. That’s worked out pretty well for me. The second time I ran. And ran. And ran. I was up to 5 miles when he came back and I decided that was enough of that nonsense. But I can still run if I want/need to. I think the third time we were getting ready to buy a house and started trying for a baby. That one didn’t work out so well for me, but I was teaching a lot, life was pretty decent, but it wasn’t my best time.

But now I’m getting the house sold, babies aren’t something that are particularly on my radar, and the thought of training for something running wise doesn’t excite me.

I have some amazing friends who have made wonderful suggestions to distract me such as writing essays to help other families, trying new recipes, boxing, yoga-a-day, volunteering with the local ASO, cross stitch, learn to play guitar, and a few other things that are escaping me. Oh, yeah – School.

For now, I’ve started a yoga-a-day group on facebook and if you want in I can add you. It’s a great group of supportive ladies who love me and/or my brother so I know it won’t just be about yoga.

They are my touch stones to get me through this deployment. We’ll manage, together, like we always do!

Really good zucchini muffins

That’s a normal sized muffin.
That’s not a normal sized zucchini

I was recently gifted with a zucchini bigger than my upper arm. That’s it in the picture.

By “gifted” what really happened is they thought it was too “old (after a few days off the vine) and too big to be good to eat”.

I’ll take it, thanks. This baker’s got to get her bake on once in awhile!

I knew it would be enough for a batch of zucchini bread/muffins but what I didn’t realize was that it would be enough for 2 full batches.

I loosely based this batch on this recipe from my friend  and yours, Betty Crocker. She rarely steers me wrong to at least start from.

I did change some of her ingredients, though. Why? I felt like it.

What you’ll need:

• 3 cups shredded zucchini (2 to 3 medium) (Or half of one bigger than my upper arm)
• 1 1/3 cups sugar
• 2/3 cup vegetable oil
• 1 TBSP vanilla
• 4 eggs
• 3 cups GF flour (If yours doesn’t have xantham gum in it, you’ll need that too.)
• 2 teaspoons baking soda
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1 TBSP Pumpkin Pie Spice (if you want yours less “spicy” use 1 1/2 tsp to start.)
• 1/2 teaspoon baking powder

What you’ll do:

1. Preheat oven to 350°F with racks sort of low. Muffins do well so the tops are in the middle of the oven. (I don’t always do this and they’re usually fine.) Put cupcake liners in your pan. I used exactly 24.
2. In large bowl, stir zucchini, sugar, oil, vanilla and eggs until well mixed. (It looked so gross.) Stir in remaining ingredients.
3. Bake 10 minutes and rotate your pans. Bake another 8-10 min, or until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean. Cool in pans on cooling rack 10 minutes.
4. Don’t burn yourself trying to get at the goodness. Remove from pans and place top side up on cooling rack. Cool until they’re cool enough to handle. Store in an air tight container.

They were really good. Just look at that crumb and color!

I’m going to have to make more.

What a shame.

Questions? Comments? Let me know how it works out for you.

Five Facts

There isn’t much free time today,  but I thought I’d do a quick Friday Five with some random facts about myself and some questions for you.

Let’s see here…what to share? Some of this might not be new for you to find out, but let’s give it a go.

1. After almost 20 years in the “City” (The Capital District of NY is not so much a city, as a very large town.) I’m excited to move closer to  home, see more stars, be part of a smaller town and community (the good and the bad), and slow down a little. I’m a country girl at heart. Are you a city person or a country person?
2. If non-dairy, non-wheat based protein was easier to consume in enough quantities,  I could easily be a vegetarian. This doesn’t mean I will do it, but I could. I would also eat more cereal and pancakes. I’d like to eat more pancakes anyway. How easy would it be for you to not eat meat? Vegetarians, what do you miss?
3. I’m an Aries through and through, for better or worse, feisty and stubborn. At some point along the way, I grew into it though so while there’s all that fire is on the inside, I try to let it out in productive ways. What’s your sign? Does it apply to you?
4. I like to ask the question, “Tell me something random about yourself” when meeting new people. How they react and what they share is often very telling. More than the fact itself. What would you tell me if I asked you that? First thing that comes to mind.
5. I can “speak” American Sign Language. It’s more rusty than I’d like, but I can get by decently well. In high school and college I was functionally fluent, but I’ve lost some through the years. My ability sign is a big reason was tapped to coach the little kids’ swim team. That was one of the most challenging but fun 14 weeks of my life.  Do you speak any other languages? When did you learn them?

It finally caught up to me.

Not an actual picture of me sobbing that day. It was another difficult day.

It hit me about 9:200am at my desk. An overwhelming set of hot tears dripping off my face while I silently sobbed for a solid 20 minutes.

I had just read a text from my brother thanking me for letting him know that a mutual friend of ours’ mother had passed yesterday.

Just because it was expected doesn’t make it any easier. I didn’t know her, but her daughter is a good friend and I’m heart broken for her.

I hate having to be the one to tell him these things. Really, I hate telling anyone someone they care about is gone. Or that someone they care about lost someone close.

But, I’d rather tell him, than have him not know. We did that once. It didn’t go over well.

There’s been a lot of loss in the last month and it caught up to me: a dear friend’s husband killing himself, my childhood best friend’s grandmother passing away, and now this. It was a lot.

It doesn’t even include the heart ache or the anger for the terrible things going on in this country right now, but that’s a whole other post that I may or may not ever write.

Now it’s time to start dealing with the emotions, not just putting my head down and one foot in front of the other, soldiering on. I still don’t really have the time to but it seems I don’t really have the option.

I know I’ll be okay. I have a great support system, physical labor to do, and know that I’ve gotten through stuff before. There are joys and beauty to focus on still and damn it, I see them. I just have to process the rest too.

What to remember from 2016

2016 has been a rather conflicting year for me. There were some very high, highs, and some really low, lows. I was inspired, I was creatively stifled. I met some really amazing people, I met some real crappy people. I welcomed babies and new friends, we said goodbye to others. I think it was a very balanced year and although there is still some personal conflict, I’m okay.

But what do I want to remember from this year?

1. I want to remember that I was and continue to be brave. Maybe more brave than I ever have been in my whole life. (Short of the year I took off from college.)
2. I want to remember that I feel/felt love. I know I have the very best friends and family a girl could ask for but this year reminded me of that in spades. I also did my best to be a good friend and want to remember those moments too.
3. I want to remember that I thrive on meeting others, connecting with them, and laughing but I also recharge mentally and emotionally in the sunshine and quiet.
4. I want to remember the deep breaths and the moments I let things go. I may have fallen off on the number of yoga classes I attended, but the lessons I’ve learned in them have been helpful this year.
5. I want to remember the stumbles as well as the triumphs. Goodness! There were stumbles, but I’ve landed on my feet so far, even if it meant dusting myself off.

As 2016 quickly draws to a close, I want to thank those of you who have been active participants and also those along for the ride for this year. It’s been a doozie in a lot of ways, and while I have a lot of moments of self doubt, I’m in a mostly good place.

What do you want to remember from 2016?

Talk about it Tuesday – Infertility Acceptance

In the give and take of the Universe,
this sad day was also a happy day.
My childhood best friend’s daughter was born.
Also, my nephew was born that week.
It was a roller coaster.

I wrote that in August but haven’t had the words or the guts to click publish yet.

I’m in a different head space now.

I should note that we’re still wading through tests and in the midst of the Clomid challenge, but they have no idea why it’s not happening for us. More on that later. Maybe the answer will change next week. In the mean time…

Other than really hormonal days it’s okay.

What it comes down to, I decided, is that I either have to accept the fact we might never have our own biological child, take more aggressive action, or give into the sadness.

Aggressive action isn’t really a viable option for us for several reasons and neither is being sad all the time. After two years of trying and a few tentative positives that were either false, chemical, or not meant to be, I’ve managed to wrap my head around the fact that we probably aren’t going to be having our own babies.

I have a pretty good life (knock on wood it doesn’t change) if bio kids aren’t in my cards it doesn’t take away what blessings I have or what I can add to the world around me to positively impact others. If a “Surprise! You’re pregnant!” happens then that would be awesome too.

I had been working on accepting this reality and struggling with it to some degree but one night at a summer baseball game my acceptance just sort of happened. We had just watched some minor league baseball courtesy of Frank’s work and were having some ball park treats, waiting for the fireworks to begin.

As I sipped on some Nine Pin and sang along to the music here and there it felt like the acceptance washed over me.

This guy.
He’s one of those blessings I talked about

Regardless of what happened baby wise, I have it pretty good. I’m blessed in so many ways I feel I really can’t feel slighted if we don’t have a baby of our own. Other blessings aside, I have friends and family who share their kiddos with me so I get to do the fun things like Trick or Treating, reading books, birthday parties etc. I work with kids several times a week and have more opportunities if I want to take them. Kids? My life has them in spades even if I didn’t give birth to them.

Some days are better than others. A pair of Chuck Taylors I’d purchased for one of my little buddies was at the top of the stairs next to my shoes and seeing them felt like a kick to the gut because it was a reminder we might not have our own little one’s shoes mixed into the pile by the door. I got past the sadness quickly, but it’s an image I still see sometimes when I close my eyes.

Comments from (I’m sure) well meaning people who say it’s in G-ds plan we don’t have our own yet can sting. Especially when they come from people who aren’t particularly good parents and have only gotten pregnant (un)intentionally. Part of my brain screams “And it’s in G-d’s plan for you to have 3 babies by 3 daddies and treat them like accessories and a paycheck?!?!”

Like I said, some days are better than others.

I hope those reading don’t take this post or my infertility status to mean that I won’t be excited for you. I’ve said this before and I’ll keep saying it! I’m happy for my friends who have realized their dreams of being parents. I’m thrilled for my super fertile friends, as well as those surprised by the addition of a new one to their family (even if it wasn’t planned, but was welcomed). I don’t want my friends or family to hesitate to share their wonderful news with me because I really am excited for you.

I know some of you have worked really hard to get there and even for the ones who have struggled less? Your ability to get pregnant and have successful pregnancies doesn’t take away from my chances. It’s not like, “Oh man! My friend’s pregnant so I can’t get a baby this month.” That’s just silly.

If you’ve made it this far, I thank you for reading today. I really am (mostly) okay with my reality. It’s not what I expected, but it is how it is.

Talk about it Tuesday – Fears

Fears. We all have them, am I right? Some of us are scared of things like bees or spiders while others are afraid of heights or inclosed spaces. Some of us have many fears, some of us only a few.

For today’s Talk about it Tuesday, let’s talk about Fears.

I dislike being afraid so I like to face each one head on as they pop up. I know that I won’t be able to do this forever, but it’s worked well for me so far. The ones that have a specific start place (for me needles) are seemingly more easily overcome than the ones that just see m to be there (for me failing/disappointing others)

To over come my fear of needles, I forced myself to give blood every time I can. I don’t love it, but I’ve now donated 20+ units of blood over the last few years and don’t even flinch when I get a flu shot. This is a far cry from even 10 years ago when the mere sight of a needle coming at me was enough to send me into a panic attack.

I’m also afraid of failing at something. I know. I know. I shouldn’t be, but the fact remains that I am. I don’t share half of what I create (or only share with my innermost circle because I know they’ll be honest with me about my creation…and do it gently if it’s not up to snuff.) This morning I took a step that I’m terrified of. I opened Court is Crafty online.

I’ll either succeed or fail, but I can only try my best. I just hope I don’t disappoint.

So let’s talk about it. What are you afraid of? Snakes? Spiders? Being alone? Open water? Does it come from a specific instance? Or is it just there? I want to hear about it.