on not giving up

An old post from another life…

http://www.saajcc.org/BrugersBagelRun/5k_overall.txt

“Soha Nem Adom Fela Remenyt”.

It’s written on a coffee mug that sits on my desk. This mug was given to me by a buddy of ours from college – Kristof . He had gone to Hungary for either the holiday break or Olympic trials, I can’t recall exactly when it was now, but he brought us girls presents. It was really cute and he was so excited to give us our gifts. Each one with a special message for us. (Adri’s  means something like “if it’s fun it’s probably illegal”)

He told me that mine translated loosely means “Don’t give up.”

He gave it to me when I was having a really hard time with the breakup that DJZ and I had, school and lots of things in life. I was strung out with stress, looking at the end of my college career, the loss of DJZ and challenged with working full-time at the pool and looking for a full time grown up job.

All I really wanted to do was crawl in a hole and scrap it all.

Kind of like this past week and the 5K that I ran this weekend. I didn’t want to get through the week really. I wanted to scrap it all, quit my job and go home to Momma and cry.

During the 5K it got really hard. I was having trouble breathing and getting dizzy. I knew my brother was frustrated with me because I had to walk on and off and that made it even worse.

I didn’t want to keep going. I wanted to stop and say, “Fuck it.”

But he wouldn’t let me. As I slogged through the 3.1 miles and cursed him left and right, we did cross the finish line, but it wasn’t what I wanted it to be. As he hugged me sweaty gross and reeking of Jack Daniels , he said to me, “Please don’t give up on yourself kiddo. You’re better than that.”

(Those words will stick with me forever.)

I feel like I let him down because I didn’t train hard enough or do it right. I know that he’s proud of me for doing it and finishing, but I still feel like I didn’t do well enough. (Here are the official times.)

I’m going to sign up for another one and do it again, but I have to do better next time. I owe it to my brother for not giving up on me. And myself.

Things come pretty easily to me and when they don’t, I have a tendency to walk away or give up on them. I lose interest in things I can’t master and move on from them. This is something I need to work on too.

(The ironic part? Kristof? He was/is a runner.)

So the game plan is to stop using the elliptical and to actually RUN the 5K. Not that being able to do it on the elliptical isn’t wonderful and awesome in it’s own right…but I can do better…and I will.

Because my brother is right. I’m better than that.

(Updated: I would like to clarify that my brother wasn’t mean about anything or even really upset with me. He was frustrated because he wanted to run it – not walk – and a little disappointed that I wanted to give up at all. He was really rather great about everything considering facts I won’t get into. Me feeling like I let him down is all on me. He and I are cool.)

(Updated again: I continually struggle with the running. Currently, I’m nursing a nasty cough and congestion that makes it difficult to breathe so running isn’t really happening this week…but I will continue to try. I will not give up.)

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